Fear of Intimacy

I wrote parts of following many years ago. funny thing is I knew what my problems were and what made me angry but I continued to live my life in pain and anger .I was stuck in the meantime phase were I knew where I wanted and where I wanted to be but wasn’t sure how to get there. You forgive and u learn and now that I’m happy with who I am I feel I can share.

As like most strong woman , it is easier for me to give hugs then receive them .I am prepared to give birth, withstand the pain of betrayal from lovers, raise children on my own ,clime the corporate ladder ,forgive, block tears ,bury those I love dearly and even sacrifice what most people would class as insanity. The one thing I fear is intimacy. I walk on lone roads because of preference .No one can get to close. I fear they may see the scars left by years of witnessing the man who gave me 50% of my DNA abuse and use my mother. I fear they may get a preview of how the very same man only used to call once a year four days after my birthday. They may even see a glimpse of how I take all that pain and assemble it into pure white lines and snort it up my nose along with the future my mother dreamed of me having. They might even trace dried tears of lost trust and near death experiences. Have visions of times where I overdosed on fitting in and the lies I used to cover up days of sadness and loss of self respect. They may sense the feelings of unworthiness brought on by men who didn’t deserve me when I gave them my all.


Maybe it’s true what they say. We do generalize with past experiences. Once bitten second time shy. Shit happens to everyone. its how we deal with it that shows in how we live our lives and also becomes the building blocks to the people we become as each day passes .