Fear of Intimacy

I wrote parts of following many years ago. funny thing is I knew what my problems were and what made me angry but I continued to live my life in pain and anger .I was stuck in the meantime phase were I knew where I wanted and where I wanted to be but wasn’t sure how to get there. You forgive and u learn and now that I’m happy with who I am I feel I can share.

As like most strong woman , it is easier for me to give hugs then receive them .I am prepared to give birth, withstand the pain of betrayal from lovers, raise children on my own ,clime the corporate ladder ,forgive, block tears ,bury those I love dearly and even sacrifice what most people would class as insanity. The one thing I fear is intimacy. I walk on lone roads because of preference .No one can get to close. I fear they may see the scars left by years of witnessing the man who gave me 50% of my DNA abuse and use my mother. I fear they may get a preview of how the very same man only used to call once a year four days after my birthday. They may even see a glimpse of how I take all that pain and assemble it into pure white lines and snort it up my nose along with the future my mother dreamed of me having. They might even trace dried tears of lost trust and near death experiences. Have visions of times where I overdosed on fitting in and the lies I used to cover up days of sadness and loss of self respect. They may sense the feelings of unworthiness brought on by men who didn’t deserve me when I gave them my all.


Maybe it’s true what they say. We do generalize with past experiences. Once bitten second time shy. Shit happens to everyone. its how we deal with it that shows in how we live our lives and also becomes the building blocks to the people we become as each day passes .

My fate in his hands

While I contemplate
Why I’ve let him decided my fate
I wonder why I want more
Eager to know what’s in store
Hungry for love but my intuition won’t let be become satisfied as I feast on what was!
I’ll move
Found tears lost in rain
To prove
The absence of pain
I’m back again
Following his principle
To become his disciple
I’ll make more rules to break them more
That is what they are there for?
On a treadmill running from fear
Foolishly chasing a dream
Unaware of being stuck as it seems
But I believe it
So I’ll be it
And live it
Until he leaves it to be

Blessed be

Clueless

When you are moving on, you have to know what you are moving on from and why. It makes it easier for you not to return and grow from every experience .Now the journey to be an ex mad black woman wasn’t pretty. Discovering who I am, I mean really doing it. You have to see the good and the bad in all aspects of your life including relationships. Now with my most recent relationship really looking at all the things I overlooked made me see the cracks in our foundations. The end was inevitable. I may have been ready for commitment in its simple definition but I wasn’t even near ready for a relationship .We both had trust issues I was just good at hiding them .in both our past relationships we have dealt with infidelity. I have no idea how he handled it with his ex partner, something I should have asked I guess when we were meant to be communicating. I’ll come back to communication later. In result to my ex before him cheating on me, when I was exposed to him and made myself venerable completely, I kept to myself………. I become a spectator. My relationship with Mr …..Dog was when I was completely honest; I shared myself as I was. I was me I was the full package .I obviously expected them same and he wasn’t on the same page and I never really forgave him till now. Step one to becoming who I really want to be and be in the relationship that I want to be in as myself. With Mr recent I wouldn’t really talk about my dreams or where I wanted to go I just went along with what he wanted and because I do truly love him. What he wanted made me happy, temporally that is until the real me would resurface. I was comfortable being with guys that didn’t want anything more than just being for fun. I wanted to be committed so much but feared it at the same time .Like I said in my previous post I’m addicted to changing people moulding them in to “perfect people” to fit in my “perfect” world. When the guy that said to me “I want commitment”! The side of me that wanted it so bad jumped at the opportunity burying the fear deep inside of me. Living in my delusional “perfect” world I assumed that buried meant dead. This brings me to another discovery I made about myself. I’m addicted to situations that would make good stories to my friends, situations that would allow me to utilize living by P.M.S (poor me syndrome). I hated the fact that he didn’t call me and I told him it was ok when it wasn’t. With the distance it was understandable but as special as I am hell he could at least buy a phone card or something every once in a while. He did e-mail me everyday and he did s.m.s me. I found myself at times blaming love for making me do things that I wasn’t happy with. I have discovered that I had a choice in everything I did. The problem wasn’t calling me because yes finically it may have not been possible but I didn’t feel special. No not because he didn’t make me feel it but I didn’t make myself feel it. I concluded that he must not love me very much or his just not that into me (don’t get me wrong it’s a good book, a real eye opener for us woman but I misread it interpreted it differently than what it truly said).lol maybe I read too much. Anyway what I’m trying to say is I started doubting his love building more cracks and instead of talking to him to clear the record I strived to be more emotionally dependent on myself .giving in to the fear of him hurting me. Breaking down communication channels and going with the flow. This transports me to communication as it were. Even being in a long distance relationship we spoke everyday I did my best at calling .I have phone bills as evidence. we didn’t really talk, he claims he hates emotion and can’t express it .hey maybe its true he was somewhat cold at times and I couldn’t connect with it as much as I tried I failed. At times I expected him to be a mind reader communication wasn’t my strong point I feared being venerable. After Mr Dog I swore I would avoid the pain I felt even if my life depended on it. With that entire load of drama how did I expect to make a relationship work?? As hard as this is to admit to myself never mind the whole of the blog world. It’s important to me to become content and happy with whom I am. Finally I can be able to enter a relationship baggage free. I’m addicted to lying to keep people close to me. I’d lie to make people like me and make up stories to make me fit in better. I’m addicted to being loved and being giving 100 % attention. I attract negative situations because that’s all I’ve known. I drown myself in oceans of not being good enough and because of this I think I’m unworthy and try to become this person who really isn’t me. It’s so sad and unbelievable because those who know me were shocked that one I’d reveal this and that it’s all been a front. Who knew all those drama classes would pay of in ways I didn’t want. Don’t be fooled my intentions were good at the most I was protecting myself and that’s not an excuse. I realize how I was living my life and the down wards spiral I got myself into .I have no one else to blame but myself .I’m glad it’s happened honestly I am. I wish it didn’t happen at the expense of such a great relationship (well in my eyes). So now that that the tears have dried because it ended .I can smile because it happened. Now I can change! I can become the woman I’ve always wanted to be. Sweep out the people that bring negative energy. Forgive those that need to be forgiven from childhood to teenage life to woman hood. Most importantly in terms of forgiveness I forgive myself. I understand the concept of love and I’m fully prepared for those relationships that will fail. Gain what I’m intended to gain and move on. Hopefully by the end of 2008 ill will have written my 1st book. Who knows this shit may be some best seller shit. The journey continues Blessed be ……………………..

ex mad black woman

I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately mostly focusing on healing .yep I’m moving on as hard as it is. The past few days have been filled with extreme joy, pain and anger .I got out of bed and found myself a job. I have stopped the P.M.S (poor me syndrome) and I’m dealing with things. I know its going to take a while but I’m listening to that voice inside that says everything is going to be ok. All this time I’ve been mad at my ex I should have been mad at me .just cause I was crying didn't make me the victim. In all my relationships I’ve always thought there was something wrong with me .i filled myself with negative thoughts that I didn’t love him enough, I didn’t support him enough, I wasn’t enough. My deepest fear as said in coach carter “is not that I am inadequate. My deepest fear is that I am powerful beyond measure.” Right now I’m on that journey of finding myself again and being happy with whom I am. Looking in the mirror I now see a beautiful amazing woman, who has been through so much and rose to become a better person. All my experiences I wouldn’t trade them for all the gold in the world .ok maybe I’ll trade one or two. Reading scripts from Iyanla Vanzant has changed my life .I do admit I was one of those people who said self help books are for losers and people with problems. I have come to realize that everyone has problems and we are not equipped with the right skills to deal with them .ok back to my finding myself. With us so called Christians we are always searching for some one to find us, help us and be there for us .we constantly pray for our sins to be removed and let God do the rest .We say we are only human as if it’s a bad thing or an excuse. I believe that I am divine and royalty. I believe I have the power to achieve anything I want in life. When it all starts to go wrong we look for external ways to fix things. We try pills we, read books and do yoga. From experience I’ve learnt sitting in one position for an hour didn’t help me sleep better at night. You have to face the problem and deal with it. Face your demons. Take a look inside discover your addictions, find the barriers and dismantle them. It’s hard to move on and grow when you don’t know what you are moving on from. We all have choices and we as humans posses such a strong power and that is the power of thought .my mum said if you aim for nothing you will surely achieve it. There I go again preaching. With relationships not only intimate love relationships but friends and family as well hurt way more than they should because we try and change people or yourself which results in an unhappy relationship. Iyanla makes the example of a 5 year relationship she had with a man who told her from the word go that he would not marry her. she obviously took that statement and concluded that there was something wrong with her and did all her best to be the best for this man.(a mind of a woman this is how it works .hell I’m guilty of this to) .When the time came for him to leave she was devastated. In my case I did something similar. I’ve discovered that if a person doesn’t love you for who you are they don’t love you at all.now I always say that I try to find answers and they may not be right but after all this is a journey and by the time I get old I hope to be wise .I know enough to know I don’t know much but I’m happy to have found myself .to have discovered new principles and the chance hopefully to love whole heartedly again and get that shit back. My heart can rest my thoughts can fade …………blessed be

Touching

"I'm not so much afraid of heights as I am of being tempted to jumping"

I read this at post secret blog ,its a place where you can post in your deepest darkest secret on a post card made by you and have it displayed .there are alot of post but this one just touched me I read it several times and I started thinking its becoming a lethal thing, me thinking that is ......Life is hard as if we don't all know that but joy really wouldn’t feel so good if it wasn’t for pain. I thank the Lord for my blessings and I hope and I pray that I will never ever face the fear of being tempted to jump .

Time

Time will heal
So I wait
Ignorantly killing it


With that discovered I choose to move
In slow paces
Invading spaces
Interacting with different races

It was “He” that told me that “now is the past”!
But back then I thought we’d last

So his inspired me to move

In deep intoxication
I’m in a ring with my frustration

Knocked out and awoken by time


I’ve proved
That I’ve moved
Right?


In my pace
Invading my space
Time is moving

insomnia

Its Friday night no its Saturday morning .I'm home and im thinking again..... still on a quest to find explanations and answers. I’m fighting the urge to call the provider of those answers words form in rhyme

will one simple phone call stop my progress ?
maybe i'll stress less
thinking is distorted
writing will get it sorted
i'll walk away from false conclusions
and drown in clouds of confusion
Love
makes
me stutter so
listen
closely......................

The break up

I told myself that I’d only wait till I knew it was officially over to write about it. its been almost 3 weeks and I can’t keep crying so delaying moving on isn’t helping me much. I honestly fear of letting go to soon. Strangely enough I really think his the one but maybe I’m delusional. You always hear about woman being with men and 5 years down the line he cheats and you find out he was gay. That’s why I think men are not only afraid of commitment they don't know the meaning of the word. How can we blame them? its human instinct ,we fear the unknown. There are men I hate more than the ones who use fear of commitment as an excuse to fuck around, are those men who lie about it. I love you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you and expect it to be easy. When trouble comes they bail on you. I think I just summed up my relationship. to protect his privacy we'll call him Mr Fiji lol. We had been together for 1 year 2 months. It was my second long distance relationship and after the 1st one I promised myself that never again.Mayb this time i should make no promises and maybe my heart won't get broken. Distance makes the heart grower fonder yeah my black ass. Well the distance wasn’t the main reason why we broke up but it did play its part. Searching for reasons has only left me doubting myself and wanting him back. The biggest lie we tell ourselves as young woman who want to be in a committed stable relationship is “I know he loves me he’s just afraid of commitment!” what I want to know is why choose someone who wouldn’t choose you? If his afraid of love, then maybe you should be afraid of him. After giving my all into this relationship I’m starting to wonder if its all worth it? Who I’m I fooling? Yes it is I mean was. I should really get use to referring to this relationship in past tense. Being with someone in an amazing intimate way and wanting to spend the rest of your lives together is something special. If you have it than hold on to it, make it work. after all isn't it what we all want? Word of advice before you go telling everyone and believing it yourself make sure its real. when u break up with someone u have a lot of thinking time and the questions that always creep up is Why did it end How? Why? Sometimes you even forget When? Like everyone I know I was warned about love and forever? The smile and smirks on everyone that said it wouldn't work says it all. Is marriage out of the question? Is this modern day reality? I feel like a child who just discovered santa isn’t real. This also led me to think of the power of words. We all go crazy over three words………. I love you. We contemplate when to say them. How do you know that you are in love? What is the meaning of it? I could go on forever .What I’m trying to get across here is breaking up was hard but after all the pain and anger I was left disappointed because of words spoken. I know that Love really isn’t enough to make it work. Relationships are hard u have to work at them if that’s what u really want. So conclusion I wasn't what he wanted. I’m still left wondering why? I’m really starting to believe that words don't mean much anymore. Promises are not contracts not even marriage certificates are. so why say it ?why go into a relationship at first? ?comfort ?fear of being lonely? Why string someone along?before u start promising and thinking that u want to make things official shouldn't you first check that u think the other person is ready?and not tell them that you think they r not a year later. I could never get loving someone whole heartedly and not getting that shit back!Mayb im truyly hopeless but the basics should always apply love me enough to try and understand me and the situtaion respect me enough not lead me on like a lamb to the slaughter house. communicate with me let me know whats going on …..Now time can heal pain ,memories stay the same but new ones form and life it just goes on .with disappointment well I’m not sure what can cure that. I can always count on my uncle Jack Daniels but without this resulting in me turning into an alcoholic bitter woman .what can I do?
To be continued …………………………………



.

20 something

I'm not sure who wrote this but can i get an Amen

Being Twenty - something - they call it the "Quarter-life Crisis". It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing thatthere are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may notlike. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year ortwo, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now. You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, thosefriends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly thegreatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touchwith are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren'treally cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused asyou. You look at your job ... and it is not even close to what you thoughtyou would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizingthat you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usualbecause suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in yourlife and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptableand what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel aloneand scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past withdear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further andfurther away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or moveforward. You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better . Or maybe you love someone but they love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a badperson. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot doesn't seem as fun. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talkwith your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to makea decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life foryourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'djust like to be a contender! What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as wecan to figure this whole thing out.

Intro

I considered finding the nearest highest building within the small town I live in and jumping. Wait before you think I’m a suicidal maniac it was just a thought let me explain my reasons. I just want the chance to meet God, Allah, Creator, Father or the Holy Spirit, which ever name he or she is going by this season and ask him why has he or she cursed me this way? I’m a million miles from home ,I got fired ,I got kicked out of college, I broke my arm and I broke up with man I was sure I was going to spend the rest of my Life with .Instead of facing one of my worst fears and toping myself I decided to start a blog .God help us all! Welcome to the life of a possibly insane 20 something year old Black woman.