Fear of Intimacy

I wrote parts of following many years ago. funny thing is I knew what my problems were and what made me angry but I continued to live my life in pain and anger .I was stuck in the meantime phase were I knew where I wanted and where I wanted to be but wasn’t sure how to get there. You forgive and u learn and now that I’m happy with who I am I feel I can share.

As like most strong woman , it is easier for me to give hugs then receive them .I am prepared to give birth, withstand the pain of betrayal from lovers, raise children on my own ,clime the corporate ladder ,forgive, block tears ,bury those I love dearly and even sacrifice what most people would class as insanity. The one thing I fear is intimacy. I walk on lone roads because of preference .No one can get to close. I fear they may see the scars left by years of witnessing the man who gave me 50% of my DNA abuse and use my mother. I fear they may get a preview of how the very same man only used to call once a year four days after my birthday. They may even see a glimpse of how I take all that pain and assemble it into pure white lines and snort it up my nose along with the future my mother dreamed of me having. They might even trace dried tears of lost trust and near death experiences. Have visions of times where I overdosed on fitting in and the lies I used to cover up days of sadness and loss of self respect. They may sense the feelings of unworthiness brought on by men who didn’t deserve me when I gave them my all.


Maybe it’s true what they say. We do generalize with past experiences. Once bitten second time shy. Shit happens to everyone. its how we deal with it that shows in how we live our lives and also becomes the building blocks to the people we become as each day passes .

My fate in his hands

While I contemplate
Why I’ve let him decided my fate
I wonder why I want more
Eager to know what’s in store
Hungry for love but my intuition won’t let be become satisfied as I feast on what was!
I’ll move
Found tears lost in rain
To prove
The absence of pain
I’m back again
Following his principle
To become his disciple
I’ll make more rules to break them more
That is what they are there for?
On a treadmill running from fear
Foolishly chasing a dream
Unaware of being stuck as it seems
But I believe it
So I’ll be it
And live it
Until he leaves it to be

Blessed be

Clueless

When you are moving on, you have to know what you are moving on from and why. It makes it easier for you not to return and grow from every experience .Now the journey to be an ex mad black woman wasn’t pretty. Discovering who I am, I mean really doing it. You have to see the good and the bad in all aspects of your life including relationships. Now with my most recent relationship really looking at all the things I overlooked made me see the cracks in our foundations. The end was inevitable. I may have been ready for commitment in its simple definition but I wasn’t even near ready for a relationship .We both had trust issues I was just good at hiding them .in both our past relationships we have dealt with infidelity. I have no idea how he handled it with his ex partner, something I should have asked I guess when we were meant to be communicating. I’ll come back to communication later. In result to my ex before him cheating on me, when I was exposed to him and made myself venerable completely, I kept to myself………. I become a spectator. My relationship with Mr …..Dog was when I was completely honest; I shared myself as I was. I was me I was the full package .I obviously expected them same and he wasn’t on the same page and I never really forgave him till now. Step one to becoming who I really want to be and be in the relationship that I want to be in as myself. With Mr recent I wouldn’t really talk about my dreams or where I wanted to go I just went along with what he wanted and because I do truly love him. What he wanted made me happy, temporally that is until the real me would resurface. I was comfortable being with guys that didn’t want anything more than just being for fun. I wanted to be committed so much but feared it at the same time .Like I said in my previous post I’m addicted to changing people moulding them in to “perfect people” to fit in my “perfect” world. When the guy that said to me “I want commitment”! The side of me that wanted it so bad jumped at the opportunity burying the fear deep inside of me. Living in my delusional “perfect” world I assumed that buried meant dead. This brings me to another discovery I made about myself. I’m addicted to situations that would make good stories to my friends, situations that would allow me to utilize living by P.M.S (poor me syndrome). I hated the fact that he didn’t call me and I told him it was ok when it wasn’t. With the distance it was understandable but as special as I am hell he could at least buy a phone card or something every once in a while. He did e-mail me everyday and he did s.m.s me. I found myself at times blaming love for making me do things that I wasn’t happy with. I have discovered that I had a choice in everything I did. The problem wasn’t calling me because yes finically it may have not been possible but I didn’t feel special. No not because he didn’t make me feel it but I didn’t make myself feel it. I concluded that he must not love me very much or his just not that into me (don’t get me wrong it’s a good book, a real eye opener for us woman but I misread it interpreted it differently than what it truly said).lol maybe I read too much. Anyway what I’m trying to say is I started doubting his love building more cracks and instead of talking to him to clear the record I strived to be more emotionally dependent on myself .giving in to the fear of him hurting me. Breaking down communication channels and going with the flow. This transports me to communication as it were. Even being in a long distance relationship we spoke everyday I did my best at calling .I have phone bills as evidence. we didn’t really talk, he claims he hates emotion and can’t express it .hey maybe its true he was somewhat cold at times and I couldn’t connect with it as much as I tried I failed. At times I expected him to be a mind reader communication wasn’t my strong point I feared being venerable. After Mr Dog I swore I would avoid the pain I felt even if my life depended on it. With that entire load of drama how did I expect to make a relationship work?? As hard as this is to admit to myself never mind the whole of the blog world. It’s important to me to become content and happy with whom I am. Finally I can be able to enter a relationship baggage free. I’m addicted to lying to keep people close to me. I’d lie to make people like me and make up stories to make me fit in better. I’m addicted to being loved and being giving 100 % attention. I attract negative situations because that’s all I’ve known. I drown myself in oceans of not being good enough and because of this I think I’m unworthy and try to become this person who really isn’t me. It’s so sad and unbelievable because those who know me were shocked that one I’d reveal this and that it’s all been a front. Who knew all those drama classes would pay of in ways I didn’t want. Don’t be fooled my intentions were good at the most I was protecting myself and that’s not an excuse. I realize how I was living my life and the down wards spiral I got myself into .I have no one else to blame but myself .I’m glad it’s happened honestly I am. I wish it didn’t happen at the expense of such a great relationship (well in my eyes). So now that that the tears have dried because it ended .I can smile because it happened. Now I can change! I can become the woman I’ve always wanted to be. Sweep out the people that bring negative energy. Forgive those that need to be forgiven from childhood to teenage life to woman hood. Most importantly in terms of forgiveness I forgive myself. I understand the concept of love and I’m fully prepared for those relationships that will fail. Gain what I’m intended to gain and move on. Hopefully by the end of 2008 ill will have written my 1st book. Who knows this shit may be some best seller shit. The journey continues Blessed be ……………………..

ex mad black woman

I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately mostly focusing on healing .yep I’m moving on as hard as it is. The past few days have been filled with extreme joy, pain and anger .I got out of bed and found myself a job. I have stopped the P.M.S (poor me syndrome) and I’m dealing with things. I know its going to take a while but I’m listening to that voice inside that says everything is going to be ok. All this time I’ve been mad at my ex I should have been mad at me .just cause I was crying didn't make me the victim. In all my relationships I’ve always thought there was something wrong with me .i filled myself with negative thoughts that I didn’t love him enough, I didn’t support him enough, I wasn’t enough. My deepest fear as said in coach carter “is not that I am inadequate. My deepest fear is that I am powerful beyond measure.” Right now I’m on that journey of finding myself again and being happy with whom I am. Looking in the mirror I now see a beautiful amazing woman, who has been through so much and rose to become a better person. All my experiences I wouldn’t trade them for all the gold in the world .ok maybe I’ll trade one or two. Reading scripts from Iyanla Vanzant has changed my life .I do admit I was one of those people who said self help books are for losers and people with problems. I have come to realize that everyone has problems and we are not equipped with the right skills to deal with them .ok back to my finding myself. With us so called Christians we are always searching for some one to find us, help us and be there for us .we constantly pray for our sins to be removed and let God do the rest .We say we are only human as if it’s a bad thing or an excuse. I believe that I am divine and royalty. I believe I have the power to achieve anything I want in life. When it all starts to go wrong we look for external ways to fix things. We try pills we, read books and do yoga. From experience I’ve learnt sitting in one position for an hour didn’t help me sleep better at night. You have to face the problem and deal with it. Face your demons. Take a look inside discover your addictions, find the barriers and dismantle them. It’s hard to move on and grow when you don’t know what you are moving on from. We all have choices and we as humans posses such a strong power and that is the power of thought .my mum said if you aim for nothing you will surely achieve it. There I go again preaching. With relationships not only intimate love relationships but friends and family as well hurt way more than they should because we try and change people or yourself which results in an unhappy relationship. Iyanla makes the example of a 5 year relationship she had with a man who told her from the word go that he would not marry her. she obviously took that statement and concluded that there was something wrong with her and did all her best to be the best for this man.(a mind of a woman this is how it works .hell I’m guilty of this to) .When the time came for him to leave she was devastated. In my case I did something similar. I’ve discovered that if a person doesn’t love you for who you are they don’t love you at all.now I always say that I try to find answers and they may not be right but after all this is a journey and by the time I get old I hope to be wise .I know enough to know I don’t know much but I’m happy to have found myself .to have discovered new principles and the chance hopefully to love whole heartedly again and get that shit back. My heart can rest my thoughts can fade …………blessed be

Touching

"I'm not so much afraid of heights as I am of being tempted to jumping"

I read this at post secret blog ,its a place where you can post in your deepest darkest secret on a post card made by you and have it displayed .there are alot of post but this one just touched me I read it several times and I started thinking its becoming a lethal thing, me thinking that is ......Life is hard as if we don't all know that but joy really wouldn’t feel so good if it wasn’t for pain. I thank the Lord for my blessings and I hope and I pray that I will never ever face the fear of being tempted to jump .

Time

Time will heal
So I wait
Ignorantly killing it


With that discovered I choose to move
In slow paces
Invading spaces
Interacting with different races

It was “He” that told me that “now is the past”!
But back then I thought we’d last

So his inspired me to move

In deep intoxication
I’m in a ring with my frustration

Knocked out and awoken by time


I’ve proved
That I’ve moved
Right?


In my pace
Invading my space
Time is moving

insomnia

Its Friday night no its Saturday morning .I'm home and im thinking again..... still on a quest to find explanations and answers. I’m fighting the urge to call the provider of those answers words form in rhyme

will one simple phone call stop my progress ?
maybe i'll stress less
thinking is distorted
writing will get it sorted
i'll walk away from false conclusions
and drown in clouds of confusion
Love
makes
me stutter so
listen
closely......................