Clueless

When you are moving on, you have to know what you are moving on from and why. It makes it easier for you not to return and grow from every experience .Now the journey to be an ex mad black woman wasn’t pretty. Discovering who I am, I mean really doing it. You have to see the good and the bad in all aspects of your life including relationships. Now with my most recent relationship really looking at all the things I overlooked made me see the cracks in our foundations. The end was inevitable. I may have been ready for commitment in its simple definition but I wasn’t even near ready for a relationship .We both had trust issues I was just good at hiding them .in both our past relationships we have dealt with infidelity. I have no idea how he handled it with his ex partner, something I should have asked I guess when we were meant to be communicating. I’ll come back to communication later. In result to my ex before him cheating on me, when I was exposed to him and made myself venerable completely, I kept to myself………. I become a spectator. My relationship with Mr …..Dog was when I was completely honest; I shared myself as I was. I was me I was the full package .I obviously expected them same and he wasn’t on the same page and I never really forgave him till now. Step one to becoming who I really want to be and be in the relationship that I want to be in as myself. With Mr recent I wouldn’t really talk about my dreams or where I wanted to go I just went along with what he wanted and because I do truly love him. What he wanted made me happy, temporally that is until the real me would resurface. I was comfortable being with guys that didn’t want anything more than just being for fun. I wanted to be committed so much but feared it at the same time .Like I said in my previous post I’m addicted to changing people moulding them in to “perfect people” to fit in my “perfect” world. When the guy that said to me “I want commitment”! The side of me that wanted it so bad jumped at the opportunity burying the fear deep inside of me. Living in my delusional “perfect” world I assumed that buried meant dead. This brings me to another discovery I made about myself. I’m addicted to situations that would make good stories to my friends, situations that would allow me to utilize living by P.M.S (poor me syndrome). I hated the fact that he didn’t call me and I told him it was ok when it wasn’t. With the distance it was understandable but as special as I am hell he could at least buy a phone card or something every once in a while. He did e-mail me everyday and he did s.m.s me. I found myself at times blaming love for making me do things that I wasn’t happy with. I have discovered that I had a choice in everything I did. The problem wasn’t calling me because yes finically it may have not been possible but I didn’t feel special. No not because he didn’t make me feel it but I didn’t make myself feel it. I concluded that he must not love me very much or his just not that into me (don’t get me wrong it’s a good book, a real eye opener for us woman but I misread it interpreted it differently than what it truly said).lol maybe I read too much. Anyway what I’m trying to say is I started doubting his love building more cracks and instead of talking to him to clear the record I strived to be more emotionally dependent on myself .giving in to the fear of him hurting me. Breaking down communication channels and going with the flow. This transports me to communication as it were. Even being in a long distance relationship we spoke everyday I did my best at calling .I have phone bills as evidence. we didn’t really talk, he claims he hates emotion and can’t express it .hey maybe its true he was somewhat cold at times and I couldn’t connect with it as much as I tried I failed. At times I expected him to be a mind reader communication wasn’t my strong point I feared being venerable. After Mr Dog I swore I would avoid the pain I felt even if my life depended on it. With that entire load of drama how did I expect to make a relationship work?? As hard as this is to admit to myself never mind the whole of the blog world. It’s important to me to become content and happy with whom I am. Finally I can be able to enter a relationship baggage free. I’m addicted to lying to keep people close to me. I’d lie to make people like me and make up stories to make me fit in better. I’m addicted to being loved and being giving 100 % attention. I attract negative situations because that’s all I’ve known. I drown myself in oceans of not being good enough and because of this I think I’m unworthy and try to become this person who really isn’t me. It’s so sad and unbelievable because those who know me were shocked that one I’d reveal this and that it’s all been a front. Who knew all those drama classes would pay of in ways I didn’t want. Don’t be fooled my intentions were good at the most I was protecting myself and that’s not an excuse. I realize how I was living my life and the down wards spiral I got myself into .I have no one else to blame but myself .I’m glad it’s happened honestly I am. I wish it didn’t happen at the expense of such a great relationship (well in my eyes). So now that that the tears have dried because it ended .I can smile because it happened. Now I can change! I can become the woman I’ve always wanted to be. Sweep out the people that bring negative energy. Forgive those that need to be forgiven from childhood to teenage life to woman hood. Most importantly in terms of forgiveness I forgive myself. I understand the concept of love and I’m fully prepared for those relationships that will fail. Gain what I’m intended to gain and move on. Hopefully by the end of 2008 ill will have written my 1st book. Who knows this shit may be some best seller shit. The journey continues Blessed be ……………………..