ex mad black woman

I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately mostly focusing on healing .yep I’m moving on as hard as it is. The past few days have been filled with extreme joy, pain and anger .I got out of bed and found myself a job. I have stopped the P.M.S (poor me syndrome) and I’m dealing with things. I know its going to take a while but I’m listening to that voice inside that says everything is going to be ok. All this time I’ve been mad at my ex I should have been mad at me .just cause I was crying didn't make me the victim. In all my relationships I’ve always thought there was something wrong with me .i filled myself with negative thoughts that I didn’t love him enough, I didn’t support him enough, I wasn’t enough. My deepest fear as said in coach carter “is not that I am inadequate. My deepest fear is that I am powerful beyond measure.” Right now I’m on that journey of finding myself again and being happy with whom I am. Looking in the mirror I now see a beautiful amazing woman, who has been through so much and rose to become a better person. All my experiences I wouldn’t trade them for all the gold in the world .ok maybe I’ll trade one or two. Reading scripts from Iyanla Vanzant has changed my life .I do admit I was one of those people who said self help books are for losers and people with problems. I have come to realize that everyone has problems and we are not equipped with the right skills to deal with them .ok back to my finding myself. With us so called Christians we are always searching for some one to find us, help us and be there for us .we constantly pray for our sins to be removed and let God do the rest .We say we are only human as if it’s a bad thing or an excuse. I believe that I am divine and royalty. I believe I have the power to achieve anything I want in life. When it all starts to go wrong we look for external ways to fix things. We try pills we, read books and do yoga. From experience I’ve learnt sitting in one position for an hour didn’t help me sleep better at night. You have to face the problem and deal with it. Face your demons. Take a look inside discover your addictions, find the barriers and dismantle them. It’s hard to move on and grow when you don’t know what you are moving on from. We all have choices and we as humans posses such a strong power and that is the power of thought .my mum said if you aim for nothing you will surely achieve it. There I go again preaching. With relationships not only intimate love relationships but friends and family as well hurt way more than they should because we try and change people or yourself which results in an unhappy relationship. Iyanla makes the example of a 5 year relationship she had with a man who told her from the word go that he would not marry her. she obviously took that statement and concluded that there was something wrong with her and did all her best to be the best for this man.(a mind of a woman this is how it works .hell I’m guilty of this to) .When the time came for him to leave she was devastated. In my case I did something similar. I’ve discovered that if a person doesn’t love you for who you are they don’t love you at all.now I always say that I try to find answers and they may not be right but after all this is a journey and by the time I get old I hope to be wise .I know enough to know I don’t know much but I’m happy to have found myself .to have discovered new principles and the chance hopefully to love whole heartedly again and get that shit back. My heart can rest my thoughts can fade …………blessed be