The break up

I told myself that I’d only wait till I knew it was officially over to write about it. its been almost 3 weeks and I can’t keep crying so delaying moving on isn’t helping me much. I honestly fear of letting go to soon. Strangely enough I really think his the one but maybe I’m delusional. You always hear about woman being with men and 5 years down the line he cheats and you find out he was gay. That’s why I think men are not only afraid of commitment they don't know the meaning of the word. How can we blame them? its human instinct ,we fear the unknown. There are men I hate more than the ones who use fear of commitment as an excuse to fuck around, are those men who lie about it. I love you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you and expect it to be easy. When trouble comes they bail on you. I think I just summed up my relationship. to protect his privacy we'll call him Mr Fiji lol. We had been together for 1 year 2 months. It was my second long distance relationship and after the 1st one I promised myself that never again.Mayb this time i should make no promises and maybe my heart won't get broken. Distance makes the heart grower fonder yeah my black ass. Well the distance wasn’t the main reason why we broke up but it did play its part. Searching for reasons has only left me doubting myself and wanting him back. The biggest lie we tell ourselves as young woman who want to be in a committed stable relationship is “I know he loves me he’s just afraid of commitment!” what I want to know is why choose someone who wouldn’t choose you? If his afraid of love, then maybe you should be afraid of him. After giving my all into this relationship I’m starting to wonder if its all worth it? Who I’m I fooling? Yes it is I mean was. I should really get use to referring to this relationship in past tense. Being with someone in an amazing intimate way and wanting to spend the rest of your lives together is something special. If you have it than hold on to it, make it work. after all isn't it what we all want? Word of advice before you go telling everyone and believing it yourself make sure its real. when u break up with someone u have a lot of thinking time and the questions that always creep up is Why did it end How? Why? Sometimes you even forget When? Like everyone I know I was warned about love and forever? The smile and smirks on everyone that said it wouldn't work says it all. Is marriage out of the question? Is this modern day reality? I feel like a child who just discovered santa isn’t real. This also led me to think of the power of words. We all go crazy over three words………. I love you. We contemplate when to say them. How do you know that you are in love? What is the meaning of it? I could go on forever .What I’m trying to get across here is breaking up was hard but after all the pain and anger I was left disappointed because of words spoken. I know that Love really isn’t enough to make it work. Relationships are hard u have to work at them if that’s what u really want. So conclusion I wasn't what he wanted. I’m still left wondering why? I’m really starting to believe that words don't mean much anymore. Promises are not contracts not even marriage certificates are. so why say it ?why go into a relationship at first? ?comfort ?fear of being lonely? Why string someone along?before u start promising and thinking that u want to make things official shouldn't you first check that u think the other person is ready?and not tell them that you think they r not a year later. I could never get loving someone whole heartedly and not getting that shit back!Mayb im truyly hopeless but the basics should always apply love me enough to try and understand me and the situtaion respect me enough not lead me on like a lamb to the slaughter house. communicate with me let me know whats going on …..Now time can heal pain ,memories stay the same but new ones form and life it just goes on .with disappointment well I’m not sure what can cure that. I can always count on my uncle Jack Daniels but without this resulting in me turning into an alcoholic bitter woman .what can I do?
To be continued …………………………………



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